Dear Violet

The Things I Stopped Apologizing for in My 20s

Hi. If we haven’t met yet, nice to meet you. I’m a people pleaser.

Glad we got that out of the way…

It has taken me years to understand that I don’t need to constantly be apologizing for myself and my actions. Especially when I truly have nothing to apologize for. Don’t get me wrong… I still apologize too much. But I’m working on it.

Back in college, I people-pleased so much that I ruined myself. Literally. I didn’t know who I was anymore because I was trying so hard to fit into a mold that I could only barely squeeze into. Eventually, I popped. Basically, I didn’t have typical college interests. I didn’t like to party all the time or obsess about boys or do my make up just for class. I liked to read or go for a walk or have a movie night with popcorn and treats. Usually, I would go to bed before 10:00 pm. Sometimes (a lot of times) earlier. My roommates, however, would often stay up past 3:00 am bingeing a TV show together and was disappointed in me that I wasn’t watching the show with them. It’s not that I didn’t want to watch the show or hang out with them, but I needed to go to sleep. That’s just that. This silly thing about me going to bed “early” was just one noodle in the pot so-to-speak. I was “different” in many ways. Now that I am years out of college, I have realized that I was never actually “different,” but I was in an environment where I was the “odd one out.” And that’s okay! Today, I thrive being the odd one out.

Then I found myself in law school, on the school’s Law Review, and working my first “big girl job” as a law clerk. My people pleasing arose again, except this time with my inability to say “no.” I get a work call at 9:00 pm while I’m studying? I’ll take it. I get back-to-back projects that have deadlines I know I’ll be in a pinch to make? I’ll push through. I get asked by my school friends to do a study session when I know that I am a solo-study type of girl? I’ll go. I know that I chose this life: to go to school and to apply for the clubs and to work the extra hours, but it took me way too long to realize that I also had another choice to make… saying “no.” Not only has saying “no” allowed me to better prioritize my time and make sure that I am able to put in 100% effort rather than 78.5% effort, it has also made people respect me more. Weird, right? At work, I am now asked if I can take a project or a phone call. I am asked by my school friends if I am willing to do a shorter, structured study session rather than an all-day affair of us gossiping more than we study (although, those are some of my favorite days). Moral of the story is that saying “no” has made me be able to breathe above water, have more confidence in myself and my abilities, and gain respect in professional settings. I mean it’s only a two-letter word…. right?

Now, here I am. The odd one out who says “no” all the time. Nah, just kidding. I say “yes” more than I say “no.” I still do things that don’t necessarily suit me and my needs because they suit someone else and their needs. That’s just who I am. But also, that’s just life. You can’t say “no” so many times that you never get invited to the study session again. You can’t say “no” so many times that you get fired. You can’t say “no” so many times that you end up just wasting away on the couch with no job, no friends, and no money. (I wouldn’t mind the whole lay on the couch with no job thing, though.) The point I am getting at is this: society is so caught up in “keeping your peace” and “saying no” and “if someone doesn’t like you, then f*** them” and that’s great to an extent, but it’s getting too far. You should still care about people liking you because you should care about being a decent human being. You should care about your job enough to do an extra project here or there to keep everything afloat. You should say “yes” to grabbing a cocktail with your friends if you are available. Life is too short to not say “yes.” But also, life is too short to not say “no.” Balance is key I guess.

Aside from saying “no,” I also learned that I just needed to stop apologizing for the way that life changes. Everyone in their 20s is going through major change. Many people move across the country. Many people go through heart break. Many people start buying homes and finding the love of their lives and get married. Many people lose jobs. And get new ones. And then switch jobs. And then switch again. Life is going to life. We can’t keep apologizing to everyone around us (or to that one friend from high school who lives a half hour away with their parents and has a completely different life from you with a job you can’t relate to and a new community of friends you don’t connect with) for life just doing its thing. A good friend at my work says this: “You win some, but you lose most.” Ain’t that the truth. Especially when it comes to friendships in your 20s. Just because you live a half hour away from a good high school friend doesn’t mean you need to be forcing a friendship and hanging out every weekend like you used to back in 2013. We’re different now, and that’s okay. The way that we evolve in our 20s is something that no one or anything could possibly prepare you for. And yet, we get here, and we don’t give other people (or ourselves) enough grace. Life is life. It will life. And that’s just life. (Read that again).

So, what exactly did I stop apologizing for in my 20s?

Technically, nothing. But also, everything. (Life is just one big oxymoron at this point.)

When I really thing about it, it wasn’t that I stopped apologizing for things, it was that I became comfortable in my own skin. I don’t mind that I’m the odd one out sometimes. I actually enjoy it and like that I’m “different” and quirky. I’m okay with missing a night out to the bars just to sit and read all night. I enjoy going to bed early and waking up early. I can say the word “no” now. (Just two letters). More importantly, I can say “no” without feeling a 24-hour hangover of guilt for it. I can also confidently say “yes” and believe in myself.

Above all, I have learned that everyone in their 20s is also struggling, going through major changes, and don’t know who they are or who they want to be half the time. If you can find me someone in their 20s who believes they have it all figured out, please refer them to me (but odds are high that they’re just a narcissist). For that matter, if you find anyone, whether they are in their 30s, 50s, 70s, or 90s who believes they have it all figured out, then please tell them to write a book or something for the rest of us because I want what they’re having.

‘Til next time.